Why I stay hidden?

I didn’t tell her about me right at the beginning of our relationship. That was the lie, the betrayal. I am responsible for that and I don’t claim innocence. I just wanted a normal life. I though

A basic sense of self

I have come this far. I think I have worked through a lot of self hatred and denial. I can accept who I am. I think I even understand some of it. Talking to some of the wonderful, beautiful people who have contacted me has helped me to realise that it’s possible for there to

When I was 19

Talking to my therapist about my gender issues has made me relive many moments from my life I have pushed aside. Some of them are so sad that tears run down my cheeks when I recall them. The pain of it is sometimes unbearable. There was a short space of time though, maybe just a

Where has my dysphoria gone?

I don’t know what has happened to my dysphoria over the past months. It seems to have just disappeared without a trace. Never in my life before have I felt so free from the awful anxiety and pain it causes. It must have something to do with lockdown but I can’t even begin to comprehend

Aiming for happiness

I’ve often wondered if happiness is something you can just have or experience for long periods of time. My experience suggests no. For me happiness is a transient state. I don’t think I can ever find happiness and then keep it forever. Being Happy I seem to live my life in a state of flux.

Invalidating stories of de-transition

I’ve read a number of articles about de-transition recently. My heart goes out to every person who has gone through this experience. It must have been an especially shattering and difficult experience. Your voice is important and I value it and respect it enormously. Every transgender experience is different, difficult and uncertain. None of us

I wish she could have helped me

My six months of therapy led me to suspect that my Mum knew I was trans whilst I was growing up. She used to let me grow my hair longer than most boys. She styled it in, what I can now see in old photos were feminine styles. Growing up I was forever being mistaken

Taking the easy way out

Suicide is never the answer to any problem we face. Impossibile problems and fears might fill our mind right now. They can drive us to the depths of despair, today, but that won’t always be the case. Problems don’t age well and they usually fade with time. How you feel right now isn’t how you

Not asking much

Transphobic and TERFS only seek to exclude. Their motives are based purely on hate, bigotry and prejudice.

To live a life free of bigots

I don’t choose to feel the way I do, to be the person I am. My gender dysphoria has always been there. This conflict, this pain, this sorrow has always been with me and remains with me every day from my first waking moments to my last thoughts at night. I wish I could overcome,

I’m not exceptional

I’ve always been pretty average. Average intelligence, average academically, at sports. Same goes for drawing, painting, singing, dancing. The list goes on. So why am I telling you this? It’s because I have always hated myself for not having the courage to transition. I talk the talk (in my head mostly) but … you can

An inspirational woman

I had a meeting yesterday with a wonderful person. After interacting with her via email for a while, when she was visiting from the US she wanted to meet face to face. As I met her in reception I realised she was transgender. She was confident, gregarious, happy and outgoing. She is also very successful.

And so it is

I’ve not posted in a while because to be honest I have been feeling much more able to cope and feel less need to vent. When I get these brief periods of respite it makes me feel like I can make it. Maybe I can get to the end of my life without anyone close

5 things I would say

There are five things I would like to say to myself at eighteen years old. Don’t feel ashamed of who you are You are not crazy, worthless, deviant, insignificant or hopeless No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, there is nothing that will ever make you a man You can’t hide

My name is Beth

My name is Beth and I am a transgender woman

Birth Gender

I’ve never accepted my birth gender. From my first memories at four years old to right now. Early on my requests to dress as a girl and play with girl’s toys were angrily rejected by my parents leaving me bewildered. I stopped believing in a benevolent god when I was very young because my desperate

Giving up on Therapy

At times I feel like giving up on therapy. I feel like I am sometimes just talking in circles. “Yep, still dysphoric, nothing I can do about it”. In our last session my therapist asked me what it was I really wanted deep down. The truth is the same as it was when I first

Going nowhere

I don’t know how I can make things better. I don’t know how I can move forward. I really want to. I know I don’t want to die. My family need me and I love them. I can’t bear living as a man any longer I’m so tired and sick of having to do it every

Transgender children

When I was four I knew how I felt. I still felt the same way at eight and nine. At thirteen my feelings hadn’t changed but I was beginning to feel the pressure as puberty meant time was running out for me. By sixteen I was distraught and stopped dressing because I hated my appearance

Best friends with Jenny

When I was nine years old I spent one idyllic summer in North Wales with my Mum’s friend and her son James. He was an only child and they owned a cottage in the countryside (a lot of the time we were actually looked after by his Nanny) During our six week vacation we became friends

I would have been Elizabeth

If  things had turned out differently I would have been born as a girl called Elizabeth (or Beth for short). That’s what my Mum would have called me. I mourn the loss of that childhood. I feel sad that I couldn’t grow up without the stifling weight of dysphoria upon me. I feel sad about