Going nowhere

I don’t know how I can make things better. I don’t know how I can move forward. I really want to.

I know I don’t want to die. My family need me and I love them.

I can’t bear living as a man any longer I’m so tired and sick of having to do it every day. The anxiety and stress I am feeling overwhelms me at times. I long for a day when I don’t have to pretend anymore, when I can just be myself.

But how can I impose my transition on my family. I love them so much.

I love my wife and I want us to stay together. We truly are best friends, soul mates. We have been together 17 years and she still sends me “I luv u” texts almost every day”.

I want her to know me, the real me and that’s what would change, the person she thought I was. I feel no strong desire to present as female at the moment which I hope would take the pressure of a little.

But I know in my heart that transition is the only way forward for me. I have always known that even though I have often rejected it and run away from it.

3 Comments

  1. Beth,
    Hello. This was my struggle, too. Does your wife know about you? How you feel? I’m going through this right now. Hugs!

    Like

  2. Beth says:

    Hi Anna
    No, she doesn’t know. I want to tell her but I am so worried it would destroy what we have. Coming out to your partner must be one of the hardest things to do.
    It’s the reason I feels so stuck. I thought I would be able to cope indefinitely by just ignoring it and was doing OK for a long time.

    Like

  3. Eva Echo says:

    I stumbled across your post and I’m so sorry you feel like this. I’m going through this dilemma atm so I completely understand what you feel. Hope you’re doing ok.

    Liked by 1 person

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