At times I feel like giving up on therapy. I feel like I am sometimes just talking in circles.
“Yep, still dysphoric, nothing I can do about it”.
In our last session my therapist asked me what it was I really wanted deep down.
The truth is the same as it was when I first discovered that article in my Mum’s magazine about gender confirmation surgery. A transgender woman went through transition and had her surgery. She seemed to me to be a happy and beautiful woman who now enjoyed her life. I was ecstatic when I read it because it meant my dream was possible outside of magic or act of god. I remember how hopeful, sensitive and kind the article was.
The problem was that daring to hope I could also fully transition was what led me to my feeble suicide attempt when my hopes were dashed.
So saying the words out loud, admitting it has always been what I’ve wanted was actually quite hard to do.
I did say the words.
Funny thing is it has made me feel a bit more relaxed about things. I obviously needed to get it out there.
I think I need to forgive myself. I didn’t ask to have gender dysphoria. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember and have been trying to deal with it as best I can.
I also know that I need to fully transition and live the rest of my life as the woman I have always been inside.